| Well, this blog is just me blabbing on and on about shtuff, that you probably don't even want to read about. It's just about how my life is going on so far and how I feel about it. I hope this won't bore you to death. haha Well if it does, then thanks for coming to my blog anyway. okay okay, enough blabbing, here we go!
Quote Break:
The problem isnt finding out where you are gonna go - its figuring out what you are gonna do once you get there - A Walk To Remember
Thats basically what's wrong with me right now. I have no idea where I'm going, as of life. I mean, I'm being pulled one way, but at the same time, I'm being pulled the opposite direction. I'm really confused about my life right now. I mean, yeah, I'm only 14. But, my parents have got me doing a lot of stuff, well, activities, to keep me busy. I'm officially a YFC member now, and I promised myself and to God that I will be comitted. I am also a member of ICS, which I just started attending like a week ago. School is also making me very stressed, as well as family and what's going on at home. That's why I chose to be in these activities, to keep my mind off of all thats happening at home. But, so far, it hasn't been turning out so well. I still live here and I'm surrounded by people that won't even speak to each other. How am I suppose to be happy, when my family isn't? What happened to family always being there? I still don't understand. That's why everytime my sister and I want to go somewhere with friends, theres an arguement. I don't want to tell my parents how I feel, knowing that they won't understand anyway. But sometimes, I just want them to see what they're doing to us. My sister and I are growing up, and we know what's going on now. We actually care about what's happening to our family. My family is breaking apart, literally.
Quote Break: God wouldn't put you through anything you can't handle.
Sometimes, I just want to vent to my mom and just tell her EVERYTHING. But, I can't do that. She's the type of person that doesn't really understand, or isn't even willing to listen. She's my mom, isn't she suppose to understand me? My older sister feels more like a mom to me than a sister. Now I know why I'm so close to her. I never realized how much my ateh cared for me, until I felt neglected, by my mom. Well, not neglected, but you know.. =/ I don't know if that's the right word to use in this case but, thats the first thing that came to my mind.
My mom is a really busy person. She's really dedicated to her job. Whenever I catch her not busy, she would get mad because, shes resting. But, that's the only time I have a chance to talk to her. I can't even open up to her because I'm afraid of what she'll say. I would try to tell her how I feel, and sometimes just tell her how my day went, but ... nothing. She told me this, Just focus on your studies, so we can move to the Philippines, build our house and won't worry about anything else happening here. I mean I know that studies are important, and family is important too. But to me, family comes first before school. So, instead of me focusing more on my school work, I'm trying to help solve whatever it is that's going on at home. Which is reeaaaally hard.
Bible Verse:
Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. - Psalm 5:1-3
I'm still hoping and praying that for once, she'll listen to what I have to say and understand that, what she's doing and what my family is doing is really having a big impact on my sister and I. 'Til this day, I'm still trying so hard to understand her. But at the same time, she also needs to understand me. It also seems as if she doesn't trust us. What did we ever do, to make her not trust us? The only people that we hang out with is the youth, and sometimes, she doesn't even let us go.
Theres so much more activites that I want to do, but my mom doesn't think I can balance it all. I want to prove to her that I can do it, that I can stop being a procrastinator, that I can balance everything.. all I want to do is make her proud. Both my parents of course. But especially her, because she hardly shows it. It's hard because she'll compare me to other children and it hurts. It hurts to think that I'm being a failure as her child, or I'm not making her proud. For some reason, I can't turn to her, for help, for comfort, or even support. Scared that she won't listen or she'll just say the same thing over and over. Don't think about it. Which is kind of hard. Actually, its reeaally hard! Like I've been saying, she doesn't understand! =/ That's all I'm asking for, is for my mom to understand me. Theres this specific thing that she keeps bugging me about. I tried talking to her about it, but all she said was STOP DOING IT! But the thing is, I can't, well its hard to. [ I'll explain everything in another blog or just ask me ] . But yeah. I still pray that my mom and I will get along soon, I pray that we'll understand each other, and I pray that she'll find it in her heart to show just a little bit of appreciation for what I do. I'll keep PUSH-ing. =)
He will help you,
He will guide you,
but, He won't do it for you
So, I have to do this myself. |
